Episode 7: Grieving the Loss of Your Old Life

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As I write this I am in the year 2020 and in the middle of a Covid-19 pandemic. I’ve now been sheltering at home or staying safe at home or whatever you want to call it - for the past 8.5 weeks. 

I find a lot of parallels between what I am going through now and what I went through when my husband was diagnosed with cancer.  Having experienced the same type of anxiety, stress and overwhelm before is not in any way comforting. I don’t like it. I don’t like being here because the last time I was here was not a good experience.

Let's talk about grieving the end of the life as you knew it. 

It’s was a weird process for me. When my husband was diagnosed with cancer it was as if the floor dropped out from under me. The wind got knocked out of me and I felt like I was just struggling to breath. 

In fact -You know when you absent mindedly choke on your own breath? You know, it just goes down the wrong way?- or am I the only one that does that? Imagine you choke on your breath and for a second your body goes into full survival mode. Your brain yells - holy crap what just happened? And you lungs try to push it all out to bring in air the right way. For a moment you don’t care what you look like as you gasp for air and begin to cough. Then maybe your eyes water and your nose begins to run and you look like a hot mess. However, in less than a minute you get that breath back in and you laugh about it - especially if your’e with someone. You clean yourself up and go on with your day. Your body relaxes and gives the all clear. 

So keep that in mind… I’m almost certain I’m not the only one who’s done this…. Right? 

So you get to that point where you feel you’re all done and it happens again. You keep getting to the point where you get that good breath in and feel you’re in the clear but you just keep choking on your breath and your body goes into survival mode. You get just enough breath to move on but keep going into this place where you question if you are going to make it to the other end. Maybe you forget about things for a second and you laugh which then brings on this choking fit again and anytime you relax you begin to choke. Going through these moments where you just feel like you aren’t going to make it through and then you do,  only to find yourself choking again. Or maybe you have some time where you aren’t choking but all you can think about is the possibility of choking. 

Feel Familiar?

That’s what life with a new cancer diagnosis felt like for me. I felt like I was always struggling to breathe. It hit me hard and then kept coming back to break me down. I’d laugh about something and have a light moment and for a minute forget about things and then it would jump right back on me to let me know things weren’t good. I’d wake up in the morning, notice the beautiful sun and hear the birds singing. I would have this  - “life is good” - moment and then my husband would stir beside me and the stress would just jump right on me again. Pulling that breath out of me -  making me feel like I’d never catch it again. 

It kept coming back as a never-ending reminder. If I let my mind slow down it would whisper in my ear - “life is not good”. I’d cycle through the what ifs and struggle to breathe again. 

No matter what I did it was always there. Life had changed in the matter of days, without me realizing it, until my former life was all but lost. If you’ve listened to the episodes before this you know I was overwhelmed with having to give people the news, trying to research and learn everything I could about thyroid cancer and at the same time trying to be a functional human in a world I was still required to be a part of. 

I didn’t realize then that part of me was grieving. I was grieving for the old me, the old way of life, the old world I never would be a part of again. Life for the people around me didn’t change, but the world my husband, daughter and I lived in changed instantly, without warning. 

My brain and body wanted the comfort of working on autopilot and started to fail me. I’d find myself standing in the kitchen not knowing how to take the next step forward to make a meal. Everyday decisions were difficult for me to make. I’d find myself breaking down in tears  while driving somewhere because it felt familiar but realizing everything had changed and felt overwhelming. 

A cancer diagnosis changes everyone involved. Its like stubbing a toe on furniture -  You are in the middle of enjoying your life. Going forward with no hesitation and then it happens unexpectedly - you hit the edge of a chair leg -  and it brings you to your knees. Problem was there wasn’t any time for me to sit down and analyze what was going on. Never did I think - how is this change in my life affecting me and how can I acknowledge that.

I suddenly had this real fear of losing my husband. I stayed up at night wondering how I would be able to continue with life if I were to lose him. My brain was in survival mode trying to keep me protected and giving me just enough to be able to continue forward. It was as if a film had been put over my eyes that required me to see things differently. Decisions needed to go through different filters. Things I focussed on or, maybe obsessed over,  were instantly different. My problems felt more serious. There was a threat to life that I couldn’t fight on my own and I clawed at and held onto anything that gave me a shred of hope. 

I didn’t ever get to say good bye to my old life, my former self. The old me was thrown aside without a ceremony, no kind words shared of the life she had, of the happiness she was surrounded with. The black veil was thrown over me without me noticing and I spent a long time trying to see past it. 

I’d like to tell you it gets better. I think it depends on how you see your world. I know for me, it comes and goes. The feelings start to creep back in  - and things start to feel dark (like now in the midst of a pandemic).  But now I know what they are and I see them. I say - I notice you intense stress. Since you are back I’m going to make sure I take time to rest more often. Overwhelm starts to cover me and I say - Ok you’re here so I’m going to watch a sad movie so I can have a good cry and then you have to go away for a while. 

And when I start to choke on my breath I put my hands up because that is what I tell my daughter to do when she chokes on something and the fact she always does it, expecting it to work, makes me laugh and tears from laughter are much more therapeutic than that from grief. 

Take a moment to notice what you are feeling. Acknowledge what you are going through and how it affects you physically, emotionally and mentally. Allow yourself to grieve the loss of your former life and self. 

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