Episode 38: Be There For The Moments

Listen on Apple Podcasts Listen on Spotify

Being a caregiver can make the holidays difficult. The holidays are a stressful time for most people. But for caregivers there is a little bit more added to the mix, isn’t there?

No matter what holiday you are approaching the way things are going for your loved one and their health affects the way you see that day or that season. Doesn’t it? The pressure from your family and friends, the pressure you put on yourself to have things a certain way all can ruin what is meant to be a day of happiness, of enjoying and spending time with family or simply letting someone know how much they mean to you.

That alone makes life more difficult for you. 

Today I’m not going to talk about that. I want to talk about what goes on inside of you and me that makes holidays difficult. It’s not knowing if this will be the last one. The last valentines day or 4th of july, the last thanksgiving or New Years. I don’t know how many time I have been pulled away from a happy moment because I realized it was a happy moment and wanted to record it mentally, emotionally or physically. I find myself running for the camera or my phone to take a picture or video. I feel extreme joy in the room and I just want to bottle it up somehow so I can pull it out later on those days I really need it or to remind my daughter later in life that there were a lot of good moments or even help me relive the happy moments again. 

I want to hold on to the perfect combination of smells, the light of the room, the people we are with, what we are doing. I want to take a piece of that moment of feeling content, happy, joyful, or just the feeling that everything is perfect at that one moment, and store it away somewhere. But it isn’t possible. As hard as I try to hold on it’s like grabbing sand. I can only grab a small part of the whole experience. 

When I realize that I can’t keep this moment for forever I feel sad. Sad that every good moment could be the last one we have together. Sad that there could be a future where I can’t have that type of moment with those people ever again. Sad that I am sad and therefore missing out on the happiness everyone is currently experiencing. Maybe it is also a reaction to letting my heart open, being vulnerable and for one moment my body doesn’t try to hold down all the emotions. In the happiness I allow myself to be free and what weighs me down sees it as an opportunity to come out.  

Have you experienced that? 

The problem with that is I step away from being present and I pull from my past while looking too intently into the future.  When I do that I don’t allow myself to fully enjoy the moment because I’m realizing it’s a moment and don’t know when I’ll get more of that. So in my trying to hold on, I lose time. Time being happy, enjoying the people who are experiencing joy around me. I miss out on fully experiencing that moment because I begin to observe it instead of participating in it. 

It doesn’t even have to be a holiday. It can be a quick second while sitting next to my husband in bed watching TV feels different than the other millions of time we do that. When looking over at him and connecting with a smile makes me feel so loved by him. It happens when I walk up to him and for a split second wonder how he can even stand up under the weight of what he is living with.  

I try to hold on to the moments and when I do I cheat myself out of having it at all.  

So I live with this problem, or maybe tendency is a better way to describe it. This tendency, that I think many of us have make holidays hard. Not only because if we are lucky we do have those wonderful moments and we are paying attention enough to notice them, but because there is no way, that I know of, to explain this to someone who isn’t a caregiver.  

Happy moments can make me sad because it makes the frailty of life very real for me.  

Would it be easier for me to just busy myself during the holidays so that I don’t notice any of these things? Of course. I just can’t do it. What is the point in trying to find ways to help my husband enjoy his life in spite of his cancer if I don’t allow myself to enjoy the moments with him? Holidays are ways we can celebrate life, things that have happened in the past, and the people in our lives. Holidays give us a time to honor those that have past, celebrate those who have just begun living and quite frankly to have something to look forward to. It’s a way to make life magical, to connect us to a high power and eat food we for some reason only eat on that day.  

I’ve really begun to let go of the way things SHOULD be for the holidays and allowed myself to go with what feels right. Maybe I don’t have an immaculately clean house because I decided that hanging out to play a game or watch a movie with loved ones was more important. Maybe I bought a dessert instead of making it because I always hated making it and I’ve begun to not do things I hate to do. 

I couldn’t possibly do things to just get through a time that I feel is meant to slow down and enjoy. Especially since I never know if it will be the last one I get to spend with someone. Holidays come once a year and we all know how much can change in a year.  

So what do I do?  

I can’t say I have the answer. I know that understanding that I do this is the first step. Being strong enough to tell all of you about it is a good next one. I think reminding myself that it is ok to cry when I’m happy, giving myself permission to be fully engaged in a moment and that I will keep part of that moment with me for forever - should be what I do next.  

Enjoy everyone, savor the moments like a good piece of chocolate cake be fully present in life. 

Do you find yourself trying to bottle up the happy moments in your life? I'd love to hear about itl

Thank you for listening to and supporting the podcast. If you enjoyed today’s show, please share it with someone who might benefit from listening to it.

I would be extremely grateful if you would consider taking a minute to leave an honest review and rating for the show in iTunes. They’re helpful when it comes to reaching other caregivers and I read each and every one of them personally!