Episode 241: Longing for Connection and Overcoming Isolation in Caregiving

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 Show Transcript

Do you find it difficult to be in a relationship with the person you care for?

When caregiving is at it´s most difficult for me I sometimes forget that I am my husbands wife. And maybe you forget that you’re the child or the friend of the person you care for at times. And then you’re reminded of it because you notice two people having a moment, or a holiday like Valentine's day shows up. 

Let’s talk about wanting more in your relationship

I don’t know about you but sometimes I have a hard time being both a caregiver and a wife. When caregiving is at its most difficult being a wife slips off to the side. I can’t always be a loving wife and an attentive caregiver at the same time. You’d think they would be one and the same… but they’re not. 

There are definite responsibilities that I take on when needed that I wouldn’t if I were just a spouse. I care for him because I love him deeply. They are intertwined, for sure, but still separate in a way. And many times they are out of balance. 

Now Valentine’s Day puts pressure on many of us because we see what other people are doing. Or at least pretending to do. Restaurants are filled for dinners of love and the card aisles of all the stores are filled with people looking for the one that says just the right thing.

For many of us,  this day is a sign of what you don’t have while living in a world seemingly surrounded by people who do. And when you are in a relationship with a partner in life that is complicated by caregiving that hurt is amplified. Because you have someone to love but can’t connect with them the way you used to or would like to. 

When this day comes up you are still probably recovering from the holidays and have no energy to handle this additional heartache. So you try to ignore the day or are a valentine Grinch and feel sad, angry and ultimately in the end lonely.

Relationships change when a person needs their loved one to care for them. Some couples persevere others don’t make it through and many of us are somewhere in the middle.

So as the stores all clear out their Christmas decorations in January and quickly fill the shelves with everything red and chocolate… what do you do?

It’s ok to want that connection back. 

But wanting to fall back in love with your spouse, enjoy time with your parent or simply laugh with your child is an extremely vulnerable wish to have. 

Let me ask you… is it worth it to try?

You stayed when they were diagnosed, or injured, or disabled. You know why you stayed. Everyone of us has a different reason. But you changed your life for them. For better or for worse

To keep them alive.

To help them live.

And most likely because you love them.

But, life got really shitty fast when you became their caregiver and the relationship you had with them started to break apart and crack under the pressure of cancer, Alzheimers, autism or any of the other hundred’s of reasons all of you care for a loved one right now. 

You began to forget who you are, do the things you love and in turn stopped looking for joy. 

Do you just give up?

Is it enough to JUST be their caregiver. 

No longer try to connect as their spouse or life partner?

No longer look to them as their child?

No longer care to create memories with them even if watching them grow up hurts?

I know it isn’t easy. 

And you might feel like you’ve been without that connection for so long it would be impossible for you to find it again. 

Your relationship with the person you care for is what it is. You’re doing all that you can do.

You are their caregiver now. The words wife, child, parent, friend are all parts of you that you’ve shut out and gave away with all your pre caregiving hopes and dreams for the life you thought you would be living. 

Sure… in a way that feels easy. You’re already there and surviving. 

Or you can’t handle the vulnerability that is required when you want to connect with your loved one again. The thought of them not wanting to have a relationship with you outside of being their caregiver keeps you from wanting a small piece of the relationship you once had. 

Maybe you’re angry that they haven’t told you they miss you. 

Maybe you feel you don’t deserve to want more. How selfish of you to want to have an intimate moment with your spouse? A hug from your mother? A tender moment with your child? You don’t have the difficulties in life that they do. You aren’t going through the pain they are. You aren’t slowly fading away with the knowledge that you are slowly fading away.

I hear all of that and want you to know if any of these reasons speaks to you… you aren’t alone. 

If you miss the person you actively care for… you aren’t alone.

If you want more but don’t know how to get there… you aren’t alone.

Valentine’s day might be a reminder of what you have lost. It can fill you with jealousy and then shame and then anger over and over again. You can feel those feelings of sadness and loneliness the way you feel those feelings.

And then I want you to think of what you’d like to have. 

If you miss being touched by your partner in life,

If you miss a warm hug from your parent
If you REALLY miss them… how do you start walking back to them?

Because if you miss what you used to have… they could also. 

Living with a person you miss connecting with while actively giving up on things you dreamt of for your own future is an incredibly lonely place to live and you don’t deserve to hang out there. 

You deserve to enjoy life with them. 

It can feel like connecting is impossibly difficult for you to do. 

That’s ok… you’ve done impossibly difficult things already. So much of your caregiving is filled with you having done things you didn’t think you could actually do or get through. 

Enjoying life is work. 

Being intentional is work. 

Learning how to turn off that caregiver switch so you don’t miss the time with your loved one that you’ve given up all of your life to save is work. 

Let any complicated emotions that come from you missing the relationship you used to have with the person you care for be the fuel to want to have some of that back in your life. 

Of course it won’t be the same. Yes it will take some creative problem solving. 

But will it be worth it? 

Would it be worth thinking of them as the person you love instead of just the person you constantly have to worry about and do things for?

Would it be worth seeing them smile, laugh, cry when you finally have a moment with them because their heart has been aching for you to come back to them?

Would it be worth finding a way to love your life in spite of caregiving?

You’ll have to answer that for yourself and I’d love to hear your response 

You deserve to enjoy your life. Being a caregiver doesn’t have to take that away from you. 

Thanks for listening.