Episode 239: Cranberry Juice & Calm: Mastering Caregiver Stress

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Show Transcript

Recently I realized that as hard as I hold on to a glass of cranberry juice I can’t make turbulence go away. I can’t control it. I can excuse myself from it. I can’t say - I’m done let me off. 

I have two choices 1. Grit my teeth, dig my fingernails into the arms of my chair and contort my face 

Or

Breathe through it. 

Let’s talk about controlling things in caregiving

When I’m sitting in a seat on a plane being jostled around I know my mind will go crazy thinking of the what ifs. What if I don’t have the right seat to survive a crash? What if we drop and everything flies out of the seat back pocket in front of me? What if this turbulence lasts the whole flight and I have to pee? 

If I give in to the fear and stress. If I allow the anxiety to take over I will be a wreck at the end of the flight. Even if the turbulence was only for five min. Because 5 min at 3,500 feet is a long time. 

But in between turbulence, there are usually breaks. For a moment you either forget what just happened or you sit there waiting for the next part of a bumpy ride that might never come. 

I really don’t like flying. So if I’m in the middle of a turbulent flight I’ve learned I chose what I do in the moment. I can’t control what happens to the plane but I can control how I react or respond. 

The only way I personally can switch from fear to acceptance is by breathing. I know, everyone’s always talking about breathing or telling you to breathe. But it works. 

It is the first tool I own that I pull out when I find myself at the door of reactionary thinking. It could be at an oncology appointment, driving in bad weather or when someone really pisses me off. It is the first thing I reach for when I experience turbulence. 

Sometimes it’s just focusing on the fact that I’m breathing. Might seem simple but I challenge you to try it for a few minutes to see what your mind does. I bet it tries to do a million things instead of focusing on the simple fact that you’re breathing. 

As I find myself aggressively holding onto my glass of cranberry juice and the plane chimes are ringing and flight attendants are hastening back to their chairs which interestingly always have more harnesses than the regular seats do, I take notice of what is happening inside me. I notice the tension and holding of my breath. I notice my thoughts and then I make a pact with myself. 

Give me 5 minutes. 

5 minutes of working my ass off focusing on just breathing. And I’ll be honest when you’re in a bumpy plane ride focusing on just breathing can be close to impossible. But I give myself 5 minutes and I breathe. In especially difficult moments I’ll count my breath and promise to focus on counting from 35 down to one. 

There I am sitting in my seat, watching the cranberry juice jostle around in my glass, me contemplating if I should drink it quickly so it won’t spill but then worried then I’ll have to use the bathroom with the seat belt sign on while also cinching my seatbelt so tight it’s leaving very little space in my bladder for anything. 

I breathe in and say in my head I breathe in for 35 and then when I breathe out I think I breathe out for 35. I just keep making my way through the countdown. 

I start to let go of the tension in my arms. I breathe in for 24 I breathe out for 24. My face relaxes a little maybe I let my butt muscles relax because somehow my body thinks that’ll actually protect me somehow. 

I breathe in for 19 I breathe out for 19. I feel myself sinking into my seat a little more. 

I breathe in for 5 I breathe out for 5 my eyes are closed and I feel relaxed. I still notice the bumping around and I ride with it. I’m not pretending it doesn’t exist. I’m not trying to ignore that it’s there. I know there is a certain level of alarm that can be acceptable but allow myself to relax as I watch it. 

I watch it. The plane is doing its thing. The atmosphere is doing its thing the captain is hopefully doing his thing and I am myself. A person experiencing turbulence and controlling what I can control - my breath- to keep myself safe by calming my nervous system down and caring for myself that allows me to walk off the plane maybe slightly tired but not stressed out and anxious. 

Five minutes to breathe. Even if the turbulence continues I find myself at a place where I can say I’m ok. I’m going to get through this. If my juice spills someone will come and help me wipe it up. If the contents of my seat back fly out of the pocket someone will give me a hand in finding everything. 

Caregivers don’t only experience turbulence in a plane. Our lives are intertwined with turbulence all the time. Sometimes the space between the bumpy part of the ride are so close together we find ourselves in a perpetual state of tightening up our seatbelts and holding on. Or we have lots of space in between so when the turbulence pops back up again we are caught off guard and don’t know how to handle the stress of it all. 

It’s always going to be there. 

You can’t control what happens outside of you but you have full control of how you react or respond. 

Ask yourself, what would it hurt to take 5 minutes to breathe? When you find yourself holding on and clenching. When you stop breathing, find yourself spiraling into the what-ifs.

When you can’t see into the future because the storm clouds are too thick what would taking 5 minutes hurt?

Self-care isn’t about fancy candles and long massages. Self-care is what gets you through the turbulence. It is what allows you to be there to help your loved one navigate the turbulence with you. 

It’s what allows you to go for the ride alongside the person you care for and experience life with them. 

Self-care is what your husband or you parent needs you to start doing because if you aren’t able to loosen your grip when you hit a rough spot you’ll miss watching the sunset with them or how beautiful your world is after it’s been ravaged by a storm. 

There’s nothing more beautiful than the sun shining after the worst thunderstorm of your life skips by. Nothing more calming than the insulated quiet provided by the blanket of snow left behind by the blizzard. 

It’s your choice

Do find ways to enjoy life with the person you’ve given up everything to care for and keep alive? 

Or 

Do you spend all your time and energy reacting to the storm? 

If you’d like help learning how to use 5 minutes and your breath as a told to help you enjoy your life a little bit at a time find the Revive in 5 10 days course at Love Your Caregiving Life. 

Thanks for listening