Episode 238: The 5-Minute Challenge: Transforming Caregiving Life Through Brief Intervals of Self-Care

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Show Transcript

I was in a dr’s office waiting room the other day and found myself witnessing the beginning of a toddler temper tantrum. It was almost noon. The family was already there when my husband and I walked in and there were toys everywhere which told me they had already had a long wait. In reality it was bound to happen. It started when the child asked for something to eat and the mom found she was cleaned out. No snacks left. He lost it. 

Let’s talk about the power of 5 minutes.

As I watched the creation of this temper tantrum I cringed on the inside while trying to act like I didn’t notice what was happening. I thought what most of us would think… great this isn’t going to end well. I have a child, they’re a young adult now but I know exactly what the mom was going through because I’ve been there.

Surprisingly, it didn’t last long because the mom did something I haven’t seen young moms do in a while. She put the child on time out. She took him to a quiet corner of the waiting room, sat him on the floor facing the chairs, took about 10 steps away and sat down. Then she told him, I’m here. You have 5 minutes. I’m not leaving. I want you to breathe. 

And I thought, holy shit! This is what I try to get adults to do and here’s a mom with an uncontrollable 5 year old helping him recenter his emotions. 

I watched, totally invested in seeing what the outcome would be. Hoping neither one of us would be called back to see our doctor’s. Wanting to wait out the 5 minutes to see what really happens. 

At first he was really emotional. Angry and doing that thing kids do when they act like they’re hitting the floor hard but really all the energy is put in the yell or guttural complaint that comes out of their mouth when they do it. Then his arms relaxed and I could tell he was sobbing. His back was towards me but I could see the erratic breathing. Soon after his movements became smoother and it turned into a slow deep cry. At this point mom, staying in her seat, said calmly… I’m still here, remember to breathe which instantly helped the kid start to take deep breaths. First it was cutely exaggerated. Like he was doing it out of spite or to show mom he heard her. But then it became more natural and the crying began to subside. 

Over that 5 minutes I was riveted to this scene unfolding in front of me. I was rooting for the kid and the mom. I wanted it all to work out. But we all know being stuck in a dr’s waiting room for way too long has the potential to make even us adults have a temper tantrum. 

At exactly 5 minutes, as if the child had an internal clock, he looks at his mom, smiles and giggles. Mom says, are you ready to go back? And he says yes, jumps up and skips back to his toys. 

In this moment there were so many things I wanted to say to this mom. But when we made eye contact I smiled and simply said - That was great - and she replied, Thanks!

Right at that moment my husband was called back to see his doctor and later when we were done and walked back out to the waiting room the family had disappeared. 

I thought about that mom and her child for a while. Anytime I spoke to someone on how beneficial taking just 5 minutes of their day to just breath was I wanted to add on that even a toddler can do it because I saw it with my own eyes. Because anytime I suggest 5 minutes to someone most of the time they tell me that small amount of time won’t make a difference. 

“Caregiving is brutal, I’m too stressed out, five minutes is a joke I need a whole year to relax to undo everything I’ve accumulated over the years.”

Or I hear, “yeah I wish I had 5 minutes to myself there just isn’t time.”

The reason I have a problem with those two responses is they’re total bullshit. 

To say you won’t even consider taking 5 minutes to breathe because it won’t do anything doesn’t make sense. If you don’t think it will do anything then why not just try it a couple of times? See if it works. Be open to doing just one thing for yourself?

As caregivers, we know what taking things one step at a time is like. We see the value in it when it’s part of our loved one’s care or treatment plan. So why doesn’t it make sense to have the same mindset for ourselves?

If your loved one has surgery and it limits the ability to use their left arm or turn their head in one direction do you say there’s no reason to go to physical therapy or do the exercises at home because being able to move one millimeter at a time isn’t worth the effort? 

Of course not. 

So why is 5 minutes of your own time so hard to take? If your argument is that 5 minutes won’t do anything for you, it isn’t enough time then fine, take longer than 5 minutes for yourself. Or multiple 5 minute moments. But I know that the easiest way to make something stick is to start small. It’s simple. Just start with the 5 minutes. 

Then you might argue you don’t have 5 minutes.Your day is too full. There’s too much to do. You have to be with your loved one all the time. I’m sorry but you do. You can find 5 minutes. If you believe you can’t then I invite you to send me an email to set up a call and I promise you we would find 5 minutes together. 

The problem isn’t the time…

The problem is you don’t know what you would do with that 5 minutes to make it worth it or to make you feel any different. And you don’t have the benefit that little kid did. You don’t have someone that can hold you accountable, see that you need a time out and make you take it. You don’t have a person to sit nearby to let you know you’re safe if your emotions feel overwhelming or to remind you to breathe. 

That’s ok, having a person to do that for you is definitely beneficial but you don’t need them to help you through that. You need to make yourself a priority without needing permission from anyone to do it.

If you listened to episode 222 you know that no one really cares if you care for yourself. They care if it affects their lives or if it makes them uncomfortable to see you struggling with life. But in general no one is going to be there to hold your hand through things. You can’t wait for someone to swoop in and help you to make positive changes in your life, help you figure them out or hold you accountable. You have to do this for yourself. 

I know that can feel overwhelming. That’s why 5 minutes is important. Finding it can actually prove to be difficult. Then once you find it you’ll find it challenging to be consistent in taking the time for yourself each day. But with persistence it becomes a habit and you’ll feel like that 5 minutes is your super power. 

Five minutes was enough time to help a child with very little experience in handling his emotions find a way to regulate what he was feeling and turn his mood around. It helped pop him out of an emotional spiral and re center himself. 

Sure his conflict was being told he couldn’t have something he wanted. Caregiving conflict is much more complicated and overwhelming. However, we’re also adults who have lived many decades more than a 5 year old. 

What I witnessed was how our bodies work in it’s purest form. It feels stress and it creates a stress response. For us that may also show up as temper tantrums and crying or it could show up as being reactionary and short with our loved ones. Our bodies show us when we need to take a time out by how we respond and react to the people around us and the world we live in. There could be physical signs like rapid breathing, dizziness, headaches or stomach problems. If in those moments we took a break and sat in a quiet corner and simply breathed we would feel the wave of emotions die down and find the wave of calm take it’s place just like I watched happen with this little boy. 

You don’t need to know how to breathe in any specific way. All you need to do is sit and breathe. No phone, no notes to write down, just sit and breathe. 

Yes, I agree just 5 minutes isn’t going to instantly take away the stress you’re shouldering. It isn’t going to take away the anxiety and loneliness that can come with caregiving. But what it will do is give you a moment in your day when everything feels ok and that is key. When was the last time you stopped, took a moment for yourself and by the end felt like you reset yourself a little? When was the last time you took 5 minutes for yourself and at the end of it recognized taking time for just yourself has more meaning than you thought it would? When was the last time you took 5 minutes and in the end felt revived? Like you got a shock of energy and surprisingly ready to take on the rest of your day?

It isn’t fancy. It might seem too simple but I can promise you there is potential for it to be one of the most important part of your day. 

So make a mental note right now of a time of your day that you can try to take 5 minutes for just yourself to simply breathe. If you want more support in learning how to develop this skill find my program Revive in 5 at loveyourcaregivinglife.com

Thanks for listening.