Episode 236: January Reset: Navigating Caregiving Life After the Holiday Season

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Show Transcript

Congratulations, you made it through the holiday season. Now you're left with cleaning up and settling into the new year. This week may be even more difficult than the last month because now everything has quieted down and you're left with a holiday hangover. Just trying to figure out how to actually settle into your caregiving life again. Let's talk about your caregiving life after the holidays, join me and Roberta Schneider. 

As we talk together about how we can adjust to life after the holidays are over. 

Charlotte Bayala: Then you make it through the holidays. And you get to New Year's and either you like it or you don't and then everyone's in, this , real or made up, um, sense of renewing 

they're focused on their health and you know, you're sitting in your pajamas eating Christmas chocolate from two weeks ago because I'm not shaming 

Roberta Schneider: you for doing that. 

Charlotte Bayala: No, I mean, I'm talking about myself you know, you go through the holidays being told this is how you should feel and then you make it to the new years and then afterwards you're told, well now you should want to be healthier Goals for yourself, um, personally and caregivers are like personally, like nobody cares personally what I do.

No one cares if I'm fueling myself personally. And for me, I really, am resistant to people from outside my life telling me what I should be doing. So for me, New Year's is a completely different look, um, for me in my home. And I know that's okay. But I know when I tell people about it, um, they look at me and they're like, wait, what?

We expected you out of all people to be, you know, doing all the things everyone should be doing journaling 24 hours a day to get yourself set up for the rest of the year. Every day at the gym and, and I'm like, no, because after Christmas and after New Year's, I always try to do as little as possible. It's either the first or the second week of whatever week everyone leaves my house. My husband goes back to work, my daughter goes back to school and I do as little as possible. And there could be some days where I stay in my pajamas I decide I'm going to just watch movies so it's, I don't want to say that it's self care because self care, I could be. doing different things. It's self care for me and telling myself I need to reset, right? Yes. 

Roberta Schneider: Because I don't think we have to be on a certain schedule to reset and nobody is so attuned to January 1st.

If I don't do it right and it's January 2nd, it's all over. We have 364 more opportunities. That's why 

Charlotte Bayala: people fall out by Valentine's Day because they're 

Roberta Schneider: like, I just didn't get that far. I mean, I think there's like a A New Year's resolution. Quit day, like sometime in January. I mean, it's crazy. So, um, but I think, I think it's really good and I love the fact that, that you've kind of given yourself the grace of like this bum week essentially.

Yeah. After the kids go back to school. Um, yeah. I kind of do something almost a little similar, but it's, it, you know, just, you know, once we get through kids going back to school and I work for a hospital system, so we're always doing all the baby new year stuff and all this craziness, and then I get my day.

And I just kind of just kind of decompress and do whatever. And, um, that's nice. You need to be able to give yourself grace of living on your own time. You're already living on your own schedule, on your own life, um, based as, as, as being who you are and in your roles as a caregiver. But nothing says that you have to take your tree down on December 26.

I feel sad for the people who do, you know, I, um, I drag it out as long as possible. And I think it's one part laziness and one part, I do not want to accept the fact that winter is going on for eight more weeks, those trees light it up the room at least. And, um, so you don't have to say, okay, Christmas is over, pack it up, put it away, let's do the next holiday.

We can enjoy the time we can say, you know, I do want to get healthier, but my goal is to prepare and. Make a plan. So when the temperature hits to 30 degrees where I'm more comfortable walking outside. Well, I mean, if that's, you know, I'm just, you know, making a plan. So when this happens, I'm ready to execute.

One of the things I, I did last year that I, that I think I'm going to continue doing I made a point of writing down in my journal or my planner. I said, here are three things I want to accomplish something professionally.

I want to try something. I want to drive this personally and I want to try this for me. Um, Health is my biggest stand by fault because I think that's just one of the things that because we're so used to doing that we forget that self care is actually physically caring for your body is in your mind as well.

Um, but you know, make, making those goals and, and saying, you know, I'd like to try to do this. I'd like to try this. So like one of mine was, I like to put in for a presentation at a conference and I held myself to that and I checked my, I didn't do anything about it, anything for about. And then I'm like, I should probably check my list and I literally wrote down on went back to the page.

I'm like, well, here's all right. I made notes and I'm like, okay, what can I do to nudge myself in that direction? And that's all I did. Um, and, and that was the emphasis to make another small change. And changes don't have to be big to be life changing, and they don't have to be life changing either. They can just be like, I want to make a small step to make a movement in the right direction.

Right. And whatever that right direction is for me. 

Charlotte Bayala: Exactly. And understanding that, because if you're, you're coming off of the holidays and you're trying to resettle yourself into life, You know, there's the opportunity to look at it with excitement, like, Oh my goodness, the holidays were either good or bad.

 I'm the same as you, I like to leave our decorations up for as long as I, as long as my husband will allow, but they go into January at least. And taking some time for me, it's. For me, resetting after the holidays, coming down after everything, all the work, all the excitement, maybe the travel, the sadness, the emotions that might come up, um, is to, , try to get things as quiet as I can, and I know that for me, being in that quiet of The quiet of not having a list of things to do, of not, um, falling into the shoulds.

Well, I should be, you know, packing things away, or I should be making sure all the good dishes are, you know, not doing any of that. It's, it's a couple of days. The laundry can wait. The dishwasher can just be filled up until it's ready to run. You know, trying to make things quiet, because there's usually a lot of noise with the holidays.

 Have everything kind of subdued, but it's not just the noise. It's, you know, the noise in my head. It's the noise of the things that I, I otherwise would be doing because when you're filled with so much energy from other people, um, it's difficult for it to be quiet for a lot of us. I'm more of a looking back at the year that just happened to see what worked and what didn't, and then have a word as my, um, guide for the next year.

I love that idea. And because resolutions. Are coming on top of you trying to get you over the fact that you just had all this turmoil for the holidays and then you get to January 1st and everyone is either celebrating or just simply trying to stay awake long enough to see a ball drop somewhere and then you're, then you wake up the next day and all of a sudden all the conversations are, so what is your new year's resolution?

And I think for caregivers I think sometimes it's an insensitive question to ask them, what is my, my New Year's resolution? I don't know, to keep my husband alive, to make sure, , my wife, makes it through chemo in two months, I think that with caregiving, in the holidays, it's difficult because our worldviews are different.

And our perspective on what is important and what isn't is different and, how we care for ourselves is usually limited. And that is amplified and put right in front of us when people ask us, what are you going to do for yourself? 

Roberta Schneider: Yes. I mean, there, you know, it's, it's. And I was like, I'm going to run a 10K this year.

And like you said, I'm going to be there to hopefully see my, my daughter's graduation, you know, or something like that. I mean, totally different things. And you start when you deal with chronic conditions or, terminal illnesses, you know, you're really facing yourself, this is, this is what's truly what matters.

 Metrics at that stage don't matter. It's those moments and, and those times with your loved ones that that's ultimately what you're going to hold dear as, as they slip onto the next world. And, and so I think, you know, making sure that, you know, you're intentional with, what's important to you in the year.

So maybe that resolution is literally, I am going to get to bed by 11 o'clock every night. So I can be somewhat rested to make the most out of my day, whatever that day looks like, whether it's caregiving or getting up and trying to, trying to wrangle the house and keep getting to it, you know, it may be that simplistic.

It may be, my goal is I'm going to watch one new movie every month . Which sounds totally silly, but you know what, it says I am valuable enough to take a time to do something that I might enjoy, right? And it's okay for me to give that time back to myself, right? And maybe it's you're spending it with with your care recipient.

Maybe it's something you just do for you. Give yourself the opportunity to try something new or do something new or not. Bring something that gives you a little bit of energy or light or respite, 

Charlotte Bayala: even so. Yeah. And like you said, that doesn't have, to happen in January. I will tell people I, you know, teaching yoga class in January is always interesting because, me as a yoga teacher, people think that I'm this altruistic, person who does everything, in some kind of, , woo woo way. As soon as I walk into the first class or if I, come into the zoom of one of my classes right after the new year is the first thing someone will ask about is, so what are your new year's resolution? And I know that it comes from a place of wanting to know what should I be doing?

Right. But unfortunately for them, I always say new year's resolutions are a load of crap. Why take all this energy talking about something you're not going to do. And then I get this, the biggest look of disappointment of the year always comes with that because they, they think I'm going to maybe give them an idea.

Maybe they can do something that I'm planning on doing. And I have this big plan, of how I'm going to change my life and make it different. Because that's really the, thought, the energy that comes from it, what are you going to do to change your life starting today? And I'm like, 

Roberta Schneider: but the changing your life doesn't have to be magical moment.

It can just be, I am going to appreciate the fact that my husband takes a breath in the morning. And I have been, I have been through the phase where I still to this day, I appreciate the fact I can wake up in the morning and. I realized that I don't have to check to see if he was breathing in the middle.

Yeah. I mean, that sounds so horrendous, but that was a place I lived in and having that, that level of appreciation that of something so simple that we take for granted makes such a huge difference. Um, you know, knowing that I've got a guy who, you know, maybe he can't always get out and do things, but when he does, he'll, he'll do everything he can to make my life better.

I just. You know, you treasure that. I mean, and it doesn't matter. It's not an ability thing or disability thing. It's just a, you know, this is the person who's the word it is and be able to appreciate that. It's just 

Charlotte Bayala: so huge. Yeah. And, and trying to make January a big deal. You can't make this huge change.

Just our, our brains don't accept it. Our bodies don't like it. There's , the barrier of being uncomfortable and it being more work than we're used to. And I think 

Roberta Schneider: we're also going through a hangover too, if you think about it. I mean, not, not even a literal hangover. We have been go, go, go, go, go from the middle of November till New Year's day.

And now finally the kids are back at school, you know, you've got the boxes that you still got to put away the tree, you've got to put away the wrapping gifts that, you know, oh, shoot, I forgot to mail something to Mildred, you know, you've got all these things that you've had to do and I've got to catch up and then you're like, If you can get caught up, if you haven't just completely collapsed on the couch, then you're, you're bothering yourself in the head of this is the stuff I needed to get caught up.

And then I need to go and do some more stuff. It doesn't have to be that way. You know, allow yourself the grace of resetting and saying, we've been on this kind of rat race, so to speak for, for six, eight, 10 weeks and all of our other stuff. And it's okay to just. Take advantage of the fact it's January and snowy and we're going to slow it down for a few weeks and maybe, we are going to just have pizza and PJs and watch movies on Friday night and that's going to be the extent of what we look at and maybe it's, you know, I'm not going to put away all the.

Luggage from my family travel right until next Sunday. I'm going to give my self the grace of waiting a whole week to make sure that everything is cleaned up by then and it's not all done that night because I know I don't know how you are when you're traveling but usually we end up getting home and it's midnight and we're dumping everything in the ground and we're ready just to Collapsed into our bed that we've missed, 

Charlotte Bayala: but you know, and nobody 

Roberta Schneider: wants to put away their things then.

So I think it's okay to just kind of reset our pace. I mean, you know, I think winter slows us down anyways, just by the nature of how nature is and maybe. Maybe we need to honor that a little 

Charlotte Bayala: bit.

Yeah. I like that. Slowing and slowing down with the season and taking that as your cue, especially after making it through the holidays and not judging yourself for not doing what everyone wants you to think that they're doing, but they, most of them are not. Yeah. 

Roberta Schneider: Exactly. Exactly. 

Charlotte Bayala: So we are. Well. Thank you so much, Roberta.

 Is there anything that you would like to leave, the people listening to this? Any last minute advice for the, holidays or 

Roberta Schneider: anything? Sure. I just want you to, you know, first of all, it's okay that this holiday season may be different. Then the others, and it may look differently. It doesn't necessarily have to feel differently because, you know, at the heart of it, it's it's our relationship with our loved ones. I also want to make sure that you are taking care of you and trying to take off some of the stresses, just as much as you are adding on those good stressors that would that you're taking something off the plate, along with that. In my book about holiday stress when you're caregiving, I give some tips and some ideas.

Just if you're feeling stuck, you're like, I have all these things in my head. There's, there's a lot of different suggestions that you can dive into as far as just eating time savers or discussion points that you can have with your loved ones, just to help kind of recharge and, and repackage and refocus your holiday season.

So, just, you know, ultimately it's about, it's about celebrating you and your loved ones. And, you know, really do what you can do to just take a step back and enjoy the moment. 

Charlotte Bayala: Thank you so much for being, I love this conversation. Thank you 

Roberta Schneider: thank you so much for having me today. 

Charlotte Bayala: Thanks.