Episode 232: Screw Holiday Happiness: Caregiver Holiday Support

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Episode Transcript

At the end of the year when the lights are put up and the music switches in the stores and everything is covered in jewel-tone colors, the assumption is that you will also spontaneously become happier than you have been the entire year. 

Let’s talk about holiday happiness.

Maybe this year you hate the holidays. People who know you call you a Grinch or, even worse, try to “Make” you happy. Either way, you feel the pressure of everyone and everything sending you the message that this is a time for extra happiness, and if you’re not then there’s something wrong with you.

Let’s be honest the end of the year is a shit show. 

It’s true… and everyone knows it. 

Look at the top movies that people watch in December. The tension brought into each and every one of them is what we all go through in large or small part during the holidays. 

That’s why they’re so popular. 

Losing your child at the airport on the way to a destination Christmas. Going on a trek to find your real father and when you do find him he rejects you because of your alternative lifestyle. Or how about the one where both sides of your family come over? They begin to ruin the house and definitely ruin your holiday while everything you try to do to continue traditions is derailed. 

It’s almost like it’s a secret we all try to pretend we don’t know about. In fact, we ignore it and then when it comes to be true we all act surprised. Or we find ourselves thinking… why does this always happen and get upset because the holiday celebration we created in our mind doesn’t happen. 

That’s all without adding the extra layer of caregiving into the crap sandwich we try to pretend looks appetizing. 

Of course, it could feel like everyone seems to think your caregiving gets in the way of the holiday planning. 

Your level of Caregiving may be extremely overwhelming or the health of your loved one might be complicated so you know full well that things need to happen differently this year. That means you will have to ask people to consider breaking from tradition, finding a different version of that tradition, or even worse, exclude you from it.

That might be coming after a year of feeling like you’ve been the “difficult” one because you couldn’t get your family to birthday celebrations. Or even worse, when you brought your husband home from the hospital the last time your mom called you to see if you could make cupcakes for your niece’s birthday party the next day and you lost your shit with her on the phone and then she responded with “if you can’t do it just say you can’t do it” and that sent you into a spiral for days. 

So now you’re trying to figure out how to make it through a month of being told how you should be feeling without getting to January and needing half a month of mental health days to get over it. 

Here’s the truth, you don’t have to be happy for the holidays especially if you weren’t happy before them. The holidays can normally be an emotional time for you and the extra stress of caregiving makes things feel harder this year.

I understand that pressure can feel oppressive. Everything and everyone telling you you should be happy. Showing up at the house of a friend or family member and trying not to break down when they try way too hard to make you smile or pretend to be happy. People trying to show you the things you should be grateful for. 

And you find yourself thinking…

I’m not unhappy I’m just tired.

I’m scared this is the last holiday I have with my wife so it’s hard to smile

or

You didn’t care about my happiness the other 11 months of the year, so why now?

There it is. Do you feel it?

So many people are unnaturally interested in how you feel NOW because it’s how they think you SHOULD be feeling. 

It’s empty… it makes you feel lonely. 

It’s isolating to feel sad or unhappy surrounded by people who may literally walk up to you and whisper in your ear to at least fake it for everyone else. 

Being told that dinner will be at 2 pm and you know that is too late for your husband to eat a big meal but when you ask if they can consider an earlier time you get shut down because that is always when your family has the holiday meal you feel that loneliness start to show up in the pit of your stomach. 

But then you show up and people want you to be happy! 

Don’t bring down the dinner table with your exhaustion.

Don’t be the difficult person who asks to be skipped in the circle discussion of what you’re thankful for this year because no one there really understands what your year has been like. 

Just Smile.

You didn’t have the energy to make the Turkey this year because your husband’s reaction to chemo has been intense but you still wake up at 3am to put it in the oven all to get it to mom’s house and hear someone mention how it could have been browned a little longer and then you’re expected to smile. 

I don’t know what road you take after something like that happens. Maybe you let all the anger and frustration of caregiving out on the person who criticizes your turkey or you swallow every single tear that comes up, pretend they never existed and fake your way through the day as the happiest person in the house. 

Maybe happiness isn’t possible because it all feels forced, fake, not in alignment with your values.

Caregiving changes you and most of the time puts an extra lens in front of you that allows you to see what is most important. The possibility of losing someone you love makes these times of the year matter more. You begin to realize it isn’t about the presents or the decorations. It’s not about the amount of time you spend together with people you love but the quality of the time you have with them. 

The quality of the time. The ability to make memories that you will cherish for a long time. The things you can do that make you feel warm inside, loved. Being around people that bring you joy. 

Happiness is an outward expression based on the things that might not matter to you right now or make the holidays feel empty. It can feel like the happiness of the holidays that everyone expects to see is based on materialism. So it doesn’t feel important to you right now.

Joy is an internal feeling that might not show on the outside. Quite honestly I always feel it takes less energy, feels better, and is less performative. 

There’s so much more room for duality if you can focus on Joy for the holidays. You can be exhausted because your mom was up all night and then after an hour of sleep drag yourself to the kitchen to make some coffee and notice the holiday mug you pull out of the cabinet. For a moment you remember the day you got that mug and it brings you joy. Then the coffee machine beeps and you go back to being exhausted. 

That’s why the holiday movies are able to come around in the end. No matter what kind of craziness happened during the movie the end almost always is filled with Joy. 

The mom rushing into her house exhausted and scared looking for her child. Hugging him and crying when she finds him. That isn’t the holiday happiness you’re told to show… that’s joy.

The dad a the son he never knew he had sitting around a Christmas tree filled with Joy.

The way the entire extended family pulls it together and enjoys the night after everything went wrong and they realize that just being together is what matters.

That is joy. You can feel it when you’re upset. Unlike happiness joy can exist along with opposite emotions. You can grieve because this is the last holiday you will have with your mom AND enjoy baking cookies with her without ever showing an ounce of happiness.

You can stay home for the holidays because just the thought of getting on a plane to visit family makes you want to hide in your bed for the rest of the day, and still find ways to enjoy the time.

Happiness is waiting for you whenever you’re ready for it. You win at a family game and you laugh… you feel joy and you show happiness.

Rubbing your stomach and letting out a food sigh… you feel joy and you show happiness.

Seeing that favorite family member who you haven’t seen in a long time and smiling or laughing while you walk over to give them a big hug… you feel joy and you show happiness.

You watch your child have a sweet moment with her grandmother and your heart feels full and you are filled with warmth… that’s joy and joy you can keep to yourself.

So I hope as you go through this month you are able to find moments of joy. 

Screw happiness!

Thanks for listening.