Episode 16 The New Normal

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When I got my husband home, from his first surgery, I was in a fog. Just trying to get him into the house and settled into a place where he could be comfortable was challenging. Of course I was happy to be home and excited to see my daughter and family that had come to help. Some of that just required energy that I didn’t really have.

I felt like I didn’t start to settle into what life would be like for at least a week. By the time everyone left and it was just the three of us again I had at least had some time to rest. 

I think it’s safe to say that anyone that comes home from the hospital, no matter what type of surgery, will have a difficult time recovering to some degree. When you come home from having your thyroid removed not only are you recovering from an actual gland being removed, the incision across your neck, pain from positioning during surgery and then lying in a bed for days after, but you also have to contend with your body running out of thyroid hormone and shifting into a hypothyroid state. 

That means that even if you look so called “normal” on the outside no one can see how much you are hurting in multiple ways on the inside. 

As a caregiver, that affects you. How your loved one feels, affects you. 

I had to figure out how to be there for him. How to continue to bring fun into his day. How to distract him from how he felt. At the same time I had to make sure that he took the medicine he needed to take, push him to get up and move around when he didn’t want to, and eat when he didn’t have the energy to. I also had to continue to leave openings for our daughter to spend time with him in a way that wasn’t scary and where she didn’t feel anxious about being around him. Seeing a parent in pain is difficult for a child so I made sure I was available for her when she needed to talk and to do things with her even if I really just wanted to take a nap. At the same time I did this while still working. Thankfully my schedule was light and my commute to the gyms I worked at wasn’t long. 

If it sounds like a lot, you’re right. It was.

There wasn’t any other choice. I didn’t once come close to deciding that I couldn’t handle it. That’s NOT to say that there weren’t moments where I felt I couldn’t. There were a lot of those moments. But I never felt like I would ever just throw in the towel.

I’d have my moments, cry and then move on to what had to happen next. 

I realized that I couldn’t just fit my husband into a person I had to take care of. He was my partner in life and we both needed to be there for each other emotionally the best we could. We needed to be open to talking about our fears, concerns and worries. We needed to connect even if that meant laying on the sofa together to watch a movie or play a game. 

Sometimes, I would find myself with my game face on. Just focussed on doing the things that had to get done that day and hours later realize that, other than giving him food and medicine, I didn’t actually spend time with him. Every time I realized that I wasn’t aware of how his day was or that I hadn’t even really talked to him for a good part of the day it made me miss him. I was waffling between being full on caregiver and wife. I had to learn how to slow down. I had spent a month worried about losing him and now that I had him home I made myself so busy that I wasn’t enjoying my time with him. 

Over years and multiple surgeries this has changed. But it took me way too long to figure it out. If I had someone tell me at the beginning to never stop being my husbands wife I think I may have been able to see it happening. 

So I’m here to tell you don’t stop being the wife, mother, daughter, sister, husband, father, son, brother to the person you are caring for. Without holding on to that connection they just become a patient and then sometimes you lose the “why”. 

When you are figuring out your new normal you have to hold on to the why. 

• Why are you taking care of this person? 
• Why are you changing your life for them to care for them and support them? 
• When you know what the why is you have a way to get through the difficult times - which there will be many of.  

When you know your why, you will continue to see them as the person you love. 

If you have forgotten your why take a moment to try to remember why you loved them in the first place. It might be hard to do and it might not happen right away. I find that when I really need to work things out in my head it is easier if I just start writing. So if you’ve forgotten why you are a caregiver to a friend or family member take a couple of days to let that question sit with you. Think back and see if you can find a moment where you felt love for the person you care for. When you find it, try to revisit it often and see if that might change how you feel towards them now. Write it down so that you can look back at it when you need to. Checking in with that journal every once in a while might be a great idea for you. 

Sometimes we have to leave breadcrumbs for ourselves in order to find our way back to who we are.

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