Episode 234: The Plastic Ice of Caregiving: Making New Traditions

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Episode Transcript

Years ago I lived in NW Arkansas for a short time and one winter, right around the holidays, my family and I came across an ice skating rink and we got excited. My daughter had spent most of her life, up until then, in the Midwest and was upset about it being her first winter without snow. So we jumped at the opportunity to go ice skating and as soon as she stepped onto the ice she turned back and looked at me with the biggest look of disappointment  I have ever seen on a 7-year-old's face. She yelled at me with tears starting to fill her eyes…It isn’t ice!

Let’s talk about holiday expectations. 

I had completely forgotten about this moment until one evening last week while walking with my husband down Michigan Ave here in Chicago. We were enjoying the lights from the weird Christmas tree in Millennium Park and then stopped to watch the kids on the ice rink. Watching them glide on the ice reminded me about my first time ice skating on plastic. 

That day 12 years ago in Arkansas, I was excited to be able to continue a holiday tradition that had started in the midwest where ice skating rinks are a given. When we lived in Minnesota almost every neighborhood park had a small ice rink plus there were the skating ribbons and ponds converted over to ice. So ice skating and the holidays always went together. So much so we only went ice skating around the holidays. We are sooo bad at ice skating it’s hilarious and always ends in two to three times around the rink or course before we start to argue about when the torture will be done. 

We still always had fun. We laughed at each other falling. We complained about hurt ankles and weak knees together. We were always a hot mess and we always looked forward to doing it each year. 

So seeing an ice rink in front of the movie theater we decided to go to that day made us excited! However, in walking up to the rink with our skates on I noticed there was something different about this ice. Once my daughter stepped out into it and looked back my stomach dropped. Something just wasn’t right. And she yelled out —— this isn’t ICE MOM!

I stepped out and noticed these were just large blocks of hard slippery plastic and the first thought that came to my mind was… what the hell is this? Who thinks of creating an ice skating rink out of plastic? 

We were the saddest trio slipping around on that plastic. Angry they even had us put on real ice skates to be out there. Sweating our asses off even though we had t-shirts on because… fun fact- when you don’t have cold ice to glide on it takes extra effort to just stay upright. When there is no cold frozen water for your skate to dig into or to make the ambient temperature freezing you find you’re just a sweaty fool trying to pretend ice skate on plastic. 

So we slid around that very small rink because… well because we paid way too much for the experience. And when we were finally done we angrily stomped off pulled our skates off and complained loudly while walking away that THAT was not Ice Skating. And we agreed that our holiday tradition was ruined. 

Horrible. 

Disappointing. 

My daughter was in a funk for the rest of the day. 

We hold on to traditions, especially when they are tied to holidays and celebrations throughout the year. We associate those traditions with having a successful celebration. For many of us the traditions are what these holidays and celebrations are made of. 

Until they change. 

Your caregiving is that plastic ice rink. Before caregiving, everything went as smoothly as the real ice. Gliding along… enduring minor falls and soreness for the sake of enjoying your time. Then one year your only option is a plastic ice rink. 

A very sad substitution for the real thing. 

This holiday season you expect the real ice but you step out on the plastic and you find yourself angry, resentful… disappointed by the fact that things can’t be the same as they always are. You can’t enjoy the holidays like you’d like to. There are some traditions that you try to hold on to but in the end make you miserable and sad because they just won’t work anymore. 

Things like:

Not being able to take long trips to visit family.

Being unable to stay at family gatherings the entire time because your loved one just can’t handle that much socializing or has personal needs that can’t be met while out in public. 

Finding yourself unable to make all the cookies for the swap you host every year or maybe having to host the holiday gathering at your house because mom can’t anymore. 

Not having the money to give gifts the way you used to because the chemo treatment needed to save your husband’s life wasn’t covered by insurance. 

Caregiving is the plastic rink. 

When I stepped out onto that plastic rink I didn’t know that would be one of the last pre-caregiving holidays for my family. This was just a year or so before my husband was diagnosed with Cancer. Little did I know that a plastic ice rink would be the least of my worries soon. 

It was also right before I became a Yoga Teacher and understood how important mindfulness would be for my life. Having that knowledge then would have given me the tools to make that experience fun because it was so ridiculous. 

What I did, however, was see something that I thought would continue a tradition and focused on how it being different made it wrong, unacceptable, not worth it. 

Looking back at it now I can see how we could have laughed at how ridiculous the situation was and taken it as the best we could do to continue a tradition with the situation we were in. 

There are no outdoor ice skating rinks in a place that hardly ever gets close to freezing. This was the alternate solution that allowed us to still get to put skates on. Quite frankly we are horrible ice skaters so I’m sure we didn’t look any worse than when we’re on real ice. 

But we only focussed on how it wasn’t the same. 

Don’t focus on your plastic ice this year. 

If there is a tradition you HAVE to continue but is close to impossible to do this year ask yourself… how can I get the same feeling by doing it differently? 

Can I join my family via video for dinner if I can’t make it to the family gathering in person?

Can I plan on noticing the signs that tell me I need to take my family home early and talk to the host about my plans ahead of time?

Can I buy the cookies for the swap and ask someone else to host because really it’s all about getting together rather than how well you can bake?

Can you write long heartfelt letters to the people you love instead of gift-giving this year?

Make your plastic ice fun. 

Sure we all would like to have the real ice. All of us would like our lives to glide as effortlessly as we do when skating on the real thing. We all crave the freedom we feel when we slide forward, the wind in our hair, the way the cold wakes us up and makes us feel alive. 

But sometimes caregiving is having to figure out how to make the plastic version of the real thing work. Finding a way to let go of the disappointment and focus on what matters.

Like…

Being together.

Having your loved one in the world with you right now.

Knowing that next year is never guaranteed. 

You deserve to enjoy your life and have fun holidays and celebrations.

You just have to let go of things having to always be the same. 

So no matter if you have real or plastic ice this year I hope you are able to enjoy it. 

Thanks for listening